WHAT IN THE HELL WAS I THINKING?????

What in the hell made me think I could write a book? As I sit here staring at my keyboard, after having called it every name in the book, (assmonkey, assclown, ballsmacker, swampass, and the list goes on. Most of it unprintable...) I wonder if I can bring it home...the story, that is. I am the same way with every book I write. As a matter of fact, I was the same way with myself when I was an actress. Soooo, the problem is me...hmmmm.

My mom will tell you I’m brilliant at everything I do, but that’s her job. Thank you Jesus. Whenever I feel down I can call her and she’ll remind me of all of my accomplishments. Amazingly, her list seems to grow and expand in ways that are mind boggling. I can’t even recall  doing some of the astounding things I’ve done, but she swears they’re true. I have decided to take her word for it. 

I suppose if I didn’t care about what I was doing and I didn’t love the bizarre people I’ve created so much, the process might not be so f%$#ing difficult. Occasionally I think I’m crazy because I’ll refer to one of them as if they were a living, breathing person, not a figment of my imagination. Thankfully my hubby is of the creative persuasion and acts as if my insanity is quite normal. Again Thank you Jesus, Buddha, Zeus and Brett Favre. I am a lucky gal.

Finishing a book is similar to the final stages of giving birth. Of course I had two c-sections, so that’s probably not the best analogy to use. But alas, it doesn’t end there. You now wait for the doctor (editor) to smack your baby on the butt to see if he cries (doesn’t suck). If all goes well after about six months (years if we were talking human time) you send your baby out into the world to see if he can make friends (fans). If all the stars are aligned correctly, your baby will become popular (sell like a mofo) and everyone will insist that you have more children.

And then you get back into that vicious, wonderful and addictive circle...wondering what in the hell made you think you could write a book...

THEY REALLY LIKE ME!!!!!!

I am a lucky, lucky girl. Two authors that I luuuurve have given me cover quotes for my first novel HOW HARD CAN IT BE? Coming out January 13, 2013 from Kensington Publishing. I love being a writer and I have never been in a business with more generous and talented women! It blows my mind that two best selling authors would take the time to read my book and give me such amazing blurbs. I am humbled, shocked and want to pee in my pants. Both Michelle Rowen http:www.michellerowen.com and Lexi George http://www.lexigeorge.com are delightful women and terrific writers. I am a big fan-girl of both of them. I would like to suggest that anyone who loves great, funny, sexy paranormal romance should run, not walk, to buy these gals books. Michelle Rowen also writes as Morgan Rhodes and puts out wonderful Young Adult books. This entire process is brand spankin’ new to me and my excitement level about becoming a published author is absurd. If I weren’t so freaked out about getting the sequel finished before it’s deadline, I’d probably be basking in the fact that two of writing my hero’s like the warped stuff that comes out of my brain. I would also like everyone that’s been following my Coke (the soda, not the drug) rants, to know that I am developing a tepid attraction to Coke Zero Cherry. I’m sure the fact that my ass looks better has something to do with it...Anyhoo, if you’d like to read the first chapter of HOW HARD CAN IT BE? check out my website http://www.robynpeterman.com and while you’re there sign up for my newsletter. I swear on David Hasselhoff that I won’t barrage you daily with frightening stuff. I’ll only scare the hell out of you about once a month with excerpts from upcoming books and where I will be promoting. Thanks to all who are following. This is a brand new game to me and it’s actually kind of fun...who knew?

"How Hard Can it Be? is outrageous, profane, hilarious, sexy, and all kinds of wacky.

For a good time, read Robyn Peterman!" – MICHELLE ROWEN, national bestselling author

"A zany over-the-top rompfest." – LEXI GEORGE, author of Demon Hunting in a Dive Bar

BREAKING UP IS GOOD FOR YOUR ASS!!!

So I’m sitting here pounding out the sequel to HOW HARD CAN IT BE? and it occurred to me my sweatpants had slid below my hipbones. Were these my sweatpants or Steve’s? After a quick tag check, I confirmed they were indeed mine. Hmmm...I eyed my Coke Zero Cherry with animosity and wondered if he had anything to do with this new and improved me.

I’ve been so vocal in my dislike of my new boyfriend, Zero, but now I feel I may have been hasty in my loud and obnoxious disapproval. I hate scales and rarely use them, but I dragged the old sucker out to see what it had to say. Sweet Baby Moses in a Basket, since I broke up with my beloved Coke I’d lost nine pounds. WTF? Back in the day (about twenty some odd years ago) when I dated people other than my husband, every breakup I had, I gained weight. Not lost it.

I mulled over this result for a while. I’m a smart girl, I suppose it should have occurred to me that if you drink close to a twelve pack of sugared soda a day (unfortunately I’m not joking) and you stop cold turkey, there’s bound to be an upside.

Sooo, I have to eat my diatribes. It’s painful...a bit like chewing glass and swallowing it, but I would like to publicly apologize to Coke Zero Cherry. Even though I still love Coke, he wasn’t as good for my ass as you are, Zero. Coke might have been a little kinder to my boobs, but my hubby is more of a butt man anyway.

While I’m still getting used to you on an emotional level, the vain side of me is wildly in love with you. So thank you, Zero. I’ll try really hard not to compare your taste to ass anymore. Mind you, I said try...I don’t think I’ll tear up in the grocery store anymore when I pass by the sexy red twelve packs of Coke. I’m far too happy with my new and improved rear end!!

Back to work with my new boyfriend and better butt. I’m going have to find something new to bitch about...hmmmmm. People who eat with their mouth open, people who text while their driving, people who say, “Bless your heart,” and then insult the living bejesus out of you...the list goes on and on and on.

BEING WARPED IS WONDERFUL.............

 BLOWN AWAY BY THE WONDERFULLY WARPED MINDS OF MY FRIENDS!!!!

Last night I had writers block. I needed a fictional Christian network that could easily be confused with a real network...I was stuck. So I reached out via my author Facebook page for suggestions and I hit the JACKPOT.  I offered my left boob as the prize (it’s the bigger one) Just kidding, the right one is bigger. Actually neither one is that big so I offered to name a character after the winner.

I was blown away and humbled that so many of my friends had such creative and dirty minds. It made me feel proud and less embarrassed about my own issues. With so many mind boggling suggestions, I had to sleep on it. It was heartwarming and alarming to realize how well everyone knew what I would like. I feel great love toward my creatively disturbed friends. Honorable mentions go to; Karen, Andrea, Judi, Niecey, Tracy, Holly, Roseanne, Elizabeth, Katie, Jennifer, Martin, Sean, Charlie, and Julia. A special mention to Robin F, they came fast and furious!!!

AND THE WINNER IS........Brooks. He came up with TIT Totally Inspirational Television. It’s just wrong on so many levels that I had to go with it! Congrats and thank you, Brooks. There is now a character named Brooks Spewter (not Brooks’ real last name) He is the recently disgraced CEO of the TIT network. He was caught on film with hookers at a Jesus convention and is in the market for some good press.

I would like to thank everyone who participated in the bizarre and random little contest. I needed a good laugh and I got it!! Thankfully, I now know where to turn when I have writers block. Thank you....I think.

THANKING MY PEEPS

MY WEBSITE IS ALIIIIIIVE!!!

Never in my wildest dreams will I have the skill set that my buddy Kris Calvert has. She did an awesome website for me and I would like to figuratively kiss her ass! It would be weird and uncomfortable if I actually tried to do it for real. I’m a fairly private gal, so doing this social media thing was a ginormous step for me. The only reason I did was because I’m proud of what I write and I want people other than my mother and really good friends to read it!

Not only do I have a website, but I’m hooking on Facebook and Twitter too. Two of my characters from #HOW HARD CAN IT BE? have escaped from my brain and are tweeting. For some profane and bizarre entertainment you should follow them... #Rena Gunderschlict and #Shoshanna LeHump. You can follow them straight from the website...or not.

I caught my husband trying to post on my blog. I busted him and he cleared out fast. I have a bad feeling this will be an ongoing problem. If he succeeds, I will set all of our TV’s to the Lifetime Network and hide the remotes. This will be especially painful for him on game days.

Writing may be a solitary sport, but all the rest of it is not! Soooo, thank you #Kris Calvert, for the website and thank you #Candace Sword for having the patience to photograph me and thank you to #Michelle Rowen for my awesome cover quote and thank you to all my writer gals for help, support, friendship and passing me on to new people! As soon as I figure out what in the hell I’m doing I will return the favor!!!!! Seriously! 

And last, but not least, thank to all of you who are following my discombobulated rants!!!