So I’m sitting here pounding out the sequel to HOW HARD CAN IT BE? and it occurred to me my sweatpants had slid below my hipbones. Were these my sweatpants or Steve’s? After a quick tag check, I confirmed they were indeed mine. Hmmm...I eyed my Coke Zero Cherry with animosity and wondered if he had anything to do with this new and improved me.
I’ve been so vocal in my dislike of my new boyfriend, Zero, but now I feel I may have been hasty in my loud and obnoxious disapproval. I hate scales and rarely use them, but I dragged the old sucker out to see what it had to say. Sweet Baby Moses in a Basket, since I broke up with my beloved Coke I’d lost nine pounds. WTF? Back in the day (about twenty some odd years ago) when I dated people other than my husband, every breakup I had, I gained weight. Not lost it.
I mulled over this result for a while. I’m a smart girl, I suppose it should have occurred to me that if you drink close to a twelve pack of sugared soda a day (unfortunately I’m not joking) and you stop cold turkey, there’s bound to be an upside.
Sooo, I have to eat my diatribes. It’s painful...a bit like chewing glass and swallowing it, but I would like to publicly apologize to Coke Zero Cherry. Even though I still love Coke, he wasn’t as good for my ass as you are, Zero. Coke might have been a little kinder to my boobs, but my hubby is more of a butt man anyway.
While I’m still getting used to you on an emotional level, the vain side of me is wildly in love with you. So thank you, Zero. I’ll try really hard not to compare your taste to ass anymore. Mind you, I said try...I don’t think I’ll tear up in the grocery store anymore when I pass by the sexy red twelve packs of Coke. I’m far too happy with my new and improved rear end!!
Back to work with my new boyfriend and better butt. I’m going have to find something new to bitch about...hmmmmm. People who eat with their mouth open, people who text while their driving, people who say, “Bless your heart,” and then insult the living bejesus out of you...the list goes on and on and on.