So I’m sitting here pounding out the sequel to HOW HARD CAN IT BE? and it occurred to me my sweatpants had slid below my hipbones. Were these my sweatpants or Steve’s? After a quick tag check, I confirmed they were indeed mine. Hmmm...I eyed my Coke Zero Cherry with animosity and wondered if he had anything to do with this new and improved me.
I’ve been so vocal in my dislike of my new boyfriend, Zero, but now I feel I may have been hasty in my loud and obnoxious disapproval. I hate scales and rarely use them, but I dragged the old sucker out to see what it had to say. Sweet Baby Moses in a Basket, since I broke up with my beloved Coke I’d lost nine pounds. WTF? Back in the day (about twenty some odd years ago) when I dated people other than my husband, every breakup I had, I gained weight. Not lost it.
I mulled over this result for a while. I’m a smart girl, I suppose it should have occurred to me that if you drink close to a twelve pack of sugared soda a day (unfortunately I’m not joking) and you stop cold turkey, there’s bound to be an upside.
Sooo, I have to eat my diatribes. It’s painful...a bit like chewing glass and swallowing it, but I would like to publicly apologize to Coke Zero Cherry. Even though I still love Coke, he wasn’t as good for my ass as you are, Zero. Coke might have been a little kinder to my boobs, but my hubby is more of a butt man anyway.
While I’m still getting used to you on an emotional level, the vain side of me is wildly in love with you. So thank you, Zero. I’ll try really hard not to compare your taste to ass anymore. Mind you, I said try...I don’t think I’ll tear up in the grocery store anymore when I pass by the sexy red twelve packs of Coke. I’m far too happy with my new and improved rear end!!
Back to work with my new boyfriend and better butt. I’m going have to find something new to bitch about...hmmmmm. People who eat with their mouth open, people who text while their driving, people who say, “Bless your heart,” and then insult the living bejesus out of you...the list goes on and on and on.
Robyn:
ReplyDeleteYou were already small to begin with. You're going to have to eat more chocolate like the rest of us.
Since I'd already given up sugared soft drinks I've been on the zero kind for a while. But the chocolate has gotten me every time. And now I've discovered Mounds icecream bars. OMG!! One more thing to become addicted to.
I love your blog!!! Bitch away sistah!
Teresa
Ooookay, Mounds ice cream bars sound evil and awesome. I don't think I will try them. My addictive personality couldn't handle it!!! It thrills me that you're enjoying my rants! You rock! Robyn
DeleteI get the mint chocolate chip Klondike Bars. I keep telling myself it's portion control...
DeleteWell bless your heart honey, I tear up over a 4-pack of Guinness and as far as I know they are never gonna make a zero Guinness, so what was it again you have to bitch about? Oh yeah, a nonexistent ass! How about a beer gut? Now that's something to bitch about. No joke, you are the funniest person I know and I can always count on your rants to give me a huge--dare I say it?--belly laugh. I'm with Teresa. You rock!
ReplyDeleteThanks Sondra. I think you rock too!! Robyn
DeleteRobyn-- You go, girl. It's amazing how eliminating all that nasty sugar makes the pounds just vanish. I lost two dress sizes. Now, of course, my new addiction is mini-Pay Day Bars. I justify them since they have peanuts in them and peanuts are protein and good for me. Uh-huh, that's my story and sticking to it.
ReplyDeleteAnd I had to snort my Pepsi Free out my nose when I read the line about people who say "Bless Your Heart" and then proceed to insult you. I know people like that, too! I think that would be a great blog post -- or great profile for a character in you next book. Love ya, kiddo.
I luuurve Payday's. I think I will steal your justification. The protein thing is rocking'. Slightly deceiving but delightful at the same time. The Pepsi snorters are a great idea!!! I will roll that around in my brain for a while...
Delete