Praise Buddha and Old Presidents.
As many of you might be aware, I am dispensing computer advice and was sent a brilliant question. I would like to share the question and my answer. I realize my methods are somewhat unorthodox, but desperate times call for ridiculous measures. Feel free to ask any technical question you have. If I don't know the answer, I will make it up.
Question from Jowanna: I need to write html into my blogger post to make it look more like a page instead of a blog. Any advice?
Answer from me: Yes, Jowanna, I do have advice. You need to cut and paste as many html's and dfmt's as you can in thirty minutes or less. Drink two full sugared cokes and say twelve curse words in Spanish. Then turn off your computer for two minutes and thirty-seven seconds and pray to Buddha and George Washington. If this doesn't work try swearing in Cantonese instead of Spanish.
Question from Wanda: Was Skype invented by the devil? And how in the hell do you use it?
Answer from me: Actually, Wanda, it was invented by two of his minions, Tom and Kevin. They have horns and tremendously stinky breath. As to how to use this, log into Skype and press all the keys down on your computer at the same time. Wear something white and pray to David Hasselhoff. If this doesn’t work, pray to Scott Baio.
I had a lovely conversation with Sharon...
Comment from Sharon: For the first time I am disappointed not to have a Mac. Knowing an expert such as yourself is there to help makes me feel a little more comfortable with the idea of owning one someday.
Comment from me: First of all, Sharon, thank you for the lovely compliment. I’m used to more profanity when people speak of my technical skills. I know little to nothing about PC's, but my sound advice applies to all computers ever made. This also includes phones, TV remotes and DVD players.
Sharon: Maybe I can give my mother your contact information. She often finds ways to get her computer to do things I don't know how to fix. Do you think you can teach her how to use the address bar? I've been trying for 12 years unsuccessfully.
Me: Tell her to yell at it. It will feel really good and often times will yell right back at you. If it uses foul language, pour pure lemon juice into all the little holes in the back of your computer. Deactivate all of your fire alarms.
Sharon: She seriously calls me to ask if she should click yes or no. She also loses her home page. Can you teach her how to keep it from wandering off?
Me: Super Glue works well and if it runs away again I suggest shooting it in the foot. That would be the lower left or right hand corner. Tell her to wear goggles and to wrap her arms in tin foil.
I am excited about the new path I am taking. I blame author JM Madden completely and you can too. She bought a Mac and asked me a question which I answered with so much profanity, we almost peed our pants....and then she suggested I impart my knowledge (or lack there of) to the world. So I did...am...will.
If you have a question, I will be happy to answer it. BUT I’m even happier to tell you that PIRATE DAVE AND HIS RANDY ADVENTURES (Career Ending Romance Spoof) is launching into cyberspace as I write. It’s already FREEEEE on KOBO and is .99 cents on Amazon! Hopefully when it goes free on all the channels (Apple, Sony, B&N etc) Amazon will price match it!! But if you’d like to burn your eyeballs out of your head for .99 cents please have at it!! Here’s the blurb and the link!!
PIRATE DAVE AND HIS RANDY ADVENTURES (Career Ending Romance Spoof)
After all was said and done, the disgusting novella meant to destroy a story stealing New York Time’s best-selling author’s career was successful. Rena, an accountant with no discernible literary talent, and her band of adorable porno writing grannies came up with the worst piece of literature, (and I use that word loosely), that was ever written. Amazingly enough, it became a cult classic. Who in the hell knew there was an underground need to know and love a Time-Traveling Vampire Warlock with erectile dysfunction and his conjoined lady loves, Laverne and Shirley?
Apparently the need is there and now so is the full version of their story . . .
This is a spoof. A profane romance spoof not meant for anyone under 18. I was threatened lovingly and repeatedly by my readers to write the full version of Pirate Dave. He was born of the need to create a horrific career ending romance novel to destroy a really bad, nasty villainess . . . and Thank you Buddha in a tube top, it worked! I laughed my way through writing this and I hope you will enjoy this small slice of my warped brain. NO, this is not what I normally write, but I certainly had a good time penning it! If you want to read the real romance story, you’ll have to peruse HOW HARD CAN IT BE? You’ll find the first three chapters at the end of the hot mess you’re about to read . . . And now, I give you the career ending novella, (hopefully not mine) otherwise known as PIRATE DAVE AND HIS RANDY ADVENTURES.