THE HIJACKED INTERVIEW OF NY TIMES BESTSELLING AUTHOR, DARYNDA JONES!!!!!!!!!!!

******** NOTE TO READERS....I have been hijacked by one of my creations. That’s right, Pirate Dave has interviewed Darynda Jones. He is very proud of his efforts, so I decided to let it go this time. What follows are the words and thoughts and desires of Dave...not me. Enjoy!!
xoxo Robyn

Due to the simple fact that my asswaffle creator seems to have a rather large girl-crush on you, Darynda, I have decided to take this interview into my own hands. I didn’t want it to be awkward for you and I worried she’d ask inappropriate questions. I have tied her up and put her in the closet where we keep the dog food. She will be fine and I will let her out with the firm promise that she will put me into her next three books. That is also something I would like to discuss with you, Darynda.

To get our audience is up to speed, I will be hitting on Darynda Jones today. She is the very attractive and multi-talented New York Times best selling author of the Charley Davidson series. The latest fantabulous addition to the series is FIFTH GRAVE PAST THE LIGHT. She has created a character named Charley that I would be delighted to have in my harem along with Darynda herself.

My name is Dave, Pirate Dave. I’m feeling rather randy about getting to dive into Darynda’s brilliant mind and possibly her pants, so I’ll get started here before I do something wildly inappropriate.

Darynda darling, may I call you snookie pants?

Pirate Dave, you may call me anything your sexy arse desires. I’ve dreamed of this moment since first I read about your randy adventures. You are a studly beast who makes the designers of skin-tight pirate pants proud, and I would kill for the opportunity to peel them off you. With my teeth. 

Wonderful, so, snookie pants, I understand that you have a new book out, FIFTH GRAVE PAST THE LIGHT. This arouses me greatly. Would you like to tell me a little about it?

I would love to. In Fifth Grave, Charley has a lot on her plate. She usually does, but this time around she has to deal with a group of murdered women who are terrified beyond reason and have invaded her apartment by the droves, a cheating spouse who may be more dangerous than she originally suspected, and a notorious new neighbor in the form of the sinfully hot Reyes Alexander Farrow. Yet with all this, she still has time to spy on her sister, dole out advice to a Deaf kid named Quentin, and tease the ever lovin’ out of her bestie, Cookie Kowalski. All in a day’s work for Charley Davidson. But it’s the sultry nights and steamy run-ins with her new neighbor that make Fifth Grave so fun. 

That being said, I’m sure she could make time for you, Dave. You know what they say, once you go Dave, you can’t behave. I would love to write that scene. 

That makes me hot and bothered. Is there a chance that we could kill off Reyes and replace him with me?

I hadn’t planned on Reyes’s demise, but for you, darling man, anything. Once Charley gets a piece of you, she may rethink that whole Reyes thing anyway. 

Charley is also the name of twenty-seven of my crew members. I am not attracted to them and three of them are in the brig right now for laughing at my assless leather chaps. Tell me about Charley’s name. Where did it come from and did you ever consider Davella or Davilina or Davey-Sue?

I was THIS close to calling her Davilina, but I am really digging Davey-Sue. Maybe in a future book the Mafia can put out a contract on her and she will be forced to go into Witness Protection where her new identity will be Davey-Sue Merriweather. One can hope! 

I enjoy writing in the nude at Starbucks. Tell me a bit about your writing process. Please focus on what you wear. I’ll need this information for when I shower later.

I can only imagine how fortunate the employees at Starbucks feel when you are “in the zone,” writing for hours nonstop. I prefer to write in my see-through PJ’s with a feather boa wrapped around my neck and a glass of wine on the stack of notes beside me. 

That will help me tremendously in the shower. Thank you. Besides reading every word you write, I like to stack your books up and balance them on my head when I’m working on my posture. How many more Charley books will I get to stack on my head?

You are in luck! The series is open-ended and the sky’s the limit. Or, well, my ability to type fast is the limit. I’m not that good. But hopefully there will be many more Charley books to place on your head soon. Is it wrong that I find that thought appealing? 

No that’s not wrong at all, my little snookum muffin, most things I do either make people horny or puke. I have been described as blindingly sexy and appallingly gross. What are three words you would use to describe Charley?  Smart alec comes to mind. Saucy. And lucky to have someone like you craving to get in her pants. 

Reyes? Dark, enigmatic, and replaceable if his replacement resembled you in any way.
Me? Sparkling, brilliant, god-like. 

Yourself? Spastic, odd-looking, a little too happy most of the time. 

My asswaffle creator, Robyn Peterman? Since she is my concubine and I am more than a little in lust with her, I’ll go with luminous, luscious, and totally doable. 

You write another series called the Darklight series. Tell me about that and do you think I could be written into this series?

It is a YA series about how one girl’s life is irrevocably changed when the Angel of Death starts high school in her small town and answers the question: What happens when the dark and dangerous Angel of Death is scheduled to take the life of the girl of his dreams? In a nutshell, chaos. You could most definitely be written into the series. It currently has no blindingly sexy pirates and is a lessor story for it. Any story, ANY STORY, would benefit with the presence of such brilliance. How much could even a cameo of you have benefited mundane stories like the Hunger Games? To Kill a Mockingbird? The Color Purple? 

 You humble me, snookalicious. I have always thought they missed the boat on cutting the pirate scene from The Color Purple, The Ten Commandments and Benji. You have been described by my asswaffle as one of the most talented, kind and funny authors she’s had the pleasure of calling a friend. And very generous with your time and support to other authors. What kind of advice can you give to aspiring authors?

Aw, she probably only says that because she is my sex slave, but I’ll take it! 

I often give the everyday advice, the whole ‘Never give up’ speech, but . . . No, that bears repeating. Never give up! Never ever ever! Keep learning and practicing your craft. If you are not selling, figure out why and fix it. 

But that’s not my advice. My advice is to think in bigger terms. Think high concept. You want to get people’s attention? Take a page out of Pirate Dave’s book and go big or go home. Write the story of your heart. There’s nothing wrong with that. Write it with fresh, crisp language, vivid imagery, tight sentences, but then do something that will hook your audience: Add a twist no one sees coming. THAT is your hook. THAT is what will get an agent’s attention. 

 I myself am an aspiring author. I have a fantastic idea and I’d like your input. I envision 47 and a half hairless shape shifters running a community theatre in a small town setting. They eat ticks and ice cream. They are violent and have been banned from most major cities. They plan to do a production of Old Calcutta and will hold a town duel to the death for all the leading roles. I’m having trouble with the romance part. Can you help me?

You certainly have the ‘fresh twist’ part down! I like it! I think the romance should evolve naturally. For example, perhaps our two wannabe lovers flirt playfully throughout the production. And then, during the dress rehearsal in which the fight to the death must be carried out to make sure it will “work” on the big stage, have your two leads slowly fall in love during the scene. Sadly, one will have to kill the other at the end, but it will be a beautiful death. I have a thing for death, in case you haven’t noticed. 

 Now for the good stuff.......Answer with the first thing that comes to your awesomely creative mind.

 Porkswords or cow tipping? Definitely porkswords! 

 Chocolate or potato chips? Chocolate. Preferably dark and dripping off your chest.

 Beer or wine? Wine. See above. 

 Assless chaps or stiletto heels? I am an assless kind of girl. 

 Naked breakdancing or naked grocery shopping? I’ll have to go with the grocery shopping as the last time I was breakdancing naked I got something lodged and it required a trip to the emergency room to have it dislodged. ER nurses can be really rude, by the way. I could understand the giggling, but the YouTube videos? I just felt they went too far. 

 Favorite color? Baby aspirin orange. 

 Favorite movie? Has not been made yet. It’s about a randy pirate named Dave. 

 Writing inspirations? You

 Laverne or Shirley? Both. I’m that good. 

 If you could ask your readers anything at all, what would you like to know about them? From their answers we will choose one and a half and a half winners to receive a copy of your new book and a copy of my asswaffles book as well. I would love to know how often they fantasize about you. I need a comparison to see if I’m over-fantasizing or if I’m about par for the course. And prizes! Woot! 

Darynda, thank you for your time and for showing me a glimpse of your bra. 

My bra is the better for it. 

You are one of my asswaffle’s idols and she will be pissed when she learns I hijacked her interview. I think I did a better job than she could have done and she will realize this or I will leave her in the dog food room. 

As my concubine, she is used to be locked in small rooms or else. And she’s really good at the ‘or else’ part. A more delicious concubine has never existed. 

Do you have a parting shot or anything else you’d like to add? When can we meet? I have a gallon-sized jug of canola oil and a spatula just itching for some action. 

I will pencil you in for a date next Thursday. *swoons*

Blurb:

Never underestimate the power of a woman

on a double espresso with a mocha latte chaser high.

—T-shirt

Charley Davidson isn’t your everyday, run-of-the-mill grim reaper.  She’s more of a paranormal private eye/grim reaper extraordinaire.  However, she gets sidetracked when the sexy, sultry son of Satan, Reyes Farrow, moves in next door. To further complicate matters, Reyes is her main suspect in an arson case.  Charley has vowed to stay away from him until she can find out the truth…but then dead women start appearing in her apartment, one after another, each lost, confused, and terrified beyond reason.  When it becomes apparent that her own sister, Gemma, is the serial killer’s next target Charley has no choice but to ask for Reyes’ help.  Arsonist or not, he’s the one man alive who could protect Gemma no matter who or what came at her. But he wants something in return. Charley. All of her, body and soul. And to keep her sister safe, it is a price she is willing to pay.

Charley Davidson is at it again in Fifth Grave Past the Light, the sexy, suspenseful, and laugh-out-loud funny fifth installment of the New York Times bestselling series by Darynda Jones.

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